Not content to run roughshod over Florida's roller derby with just their A-team Tampa Tantrums, this year the Tampa Bay Derby Darlins started a B-travel team, the Bruise Crew. The Crew supplements the league teams as a more focused Tantrum testing ground for Tampa's raw and unrefined talent. Perhaps best illustrated by their choice of team colors: a dark purple serving as a precursor to the Tantrums' bright pink.

Facing off last Saturday (08/21) against the newly minted Bruise Crew was the Fort Myers Misdemeanors. Arising from the palmetto'ed muck infesting the land between Punta Gorda and Naples, Lee County hadn't been represented in these parts since the Misdemeanors took on Bradentucky's Nuclear Bombshells in February. Do not mistake this lack of observed activity for inactivity though, as Fort Myers' own A-team, the Palm City Punishers, have been destroying all "up and coming" derby competition this year.

Which brings us to Saturday's Cruisin' for a Bruisin' bout. It was a hard match to predict; as the Bruise Crew has (nearly) no track record outside the individual skaters' league team contributions, and a (as of yet unheralded) win over the Molly Roger Rollergirls. While the Misdemeanors are coming shrouded in the mystique afforded them by Fort Myers' A-team, the Palm City Punishers.

Yet even though the Misdemeanors brought along the loudest cheering section this side of Franky Panky's Cincinnati Black Sheep's coaching staff[ or the Dallas Hell Razors' traveling crowd support, they still couldn't overtake an early established Bruise Crew lead. Giving Fort Myers a (rare) loss as well as continuing to build the Bruise Crew reputation in Florida's B-team roller derby ranks (119-188).

Too say things started off looking grim for Fort Myers would be an understatement; since (1-39) after ten minutes of action is quite the titular bruisin'! Misdemeanor Ali-Skator posting the first big increase for her team (14-57), as the Bruise Crew's Kitty Danger, Kitten Kicker, and Bad Credit kept the rest of Lee County in check. Tampa skating intelligently with short, productive jams; making for quite a highlight reel:

* Tampa's Reeces Tear Ya to Pieces channeling her inner-Lunch Lady by side-stepping and hopping her way through the pack (14-67). Later having the foresight to call off a jam mere seconds before Heinz would've connected with a _huge_ hit (14-85).

* A jamming Kitty Danger taking the word "offense" literally as she starts her jam by sending Fort Myers' jammer Fire & Ice straight into a waiting Bad Credit shoulder (14-71).

Fort Myers really wouldn't start asserting themselves until they forced Tampa's Ram 'em Noodle into a loooong cut. (Literally. The blow sending Noodle through the inside out-of-bounds curve straight across the track to the outside barrier. Possibly the greatest sports-related slide of the year.) As Noodle humbly paid for the infraction, Ali-Skator returned to the front scoring a grand slam before Run 'em Down Rhoda ran her down (29-87).

The Misdemeanors finishing the half with two more consecutively strong jams. First, Fire & Ice capitalizing off the remainder of Ali-Skator's power jam. Then, as Fort Myers' defense caught up to their mounting offense, the holes Jackscratch Fever and, a double-timing, Ali-Skator opened up the pack, aided the power jamming Heinz considerably. Ending the half by narrowing the point deficit to just under one-half at (60-111).

The Fort Myers Misdemeanors' run of good fortune at the end of Cruisin' for a Bruisin's first half[link] would not hold through the bout's second half. Shortly after the commencing whistles the penalty box relinquished all of its Bruise Crew inhabitants, now seeking instead Misdemeanor skates. Which allowed Tampa's Crew to augment its lead to (64-126) before Fort Myers' Krystal Death and Lil Debbie Smackcakes shut Reeces Tear Ya to Pieces down.

These penalty problems continuing on throughout the next few jams, with both teams either filling the boxes to capacity or leaving it completely empty. These problems still could not slow down the Misdemeanors' Deathrae nor Jackscratch Fever though; both working wonders in keeping the pack open for tireless jammer Ali-Skator. Skator's luck couldn't hold this long, as a brutal Kemmy Killmister shot forced her to cut, shades of Ram 'em Noodle's first half penalty coming back to haunt the other team as Noodle herself enjoys the ensuing power jam (68-126).

Noodle's revenge jam aside, the Misdemeanors pressed on. Fire & Ice, one of Fort Myers' stand-out skaters against Bradentucky, managed to evade both Muse of Bruise and Kitten Kicker long enough to score a grand slam. Determined, Muse of Bruise kept at it, finally catching her with a shoulder big enough to end the jam (81-150).

Ali-Skator was the next to impress, as she cut into the (remaining) deficit deeply with her jam. Powered by Fort Myers' uberjammer-cum-blocker Heinz's defensive barrage of blows, Ali slid right through the pack. Calling it after she eventually slid into a beautiful cross-pack Foxy del Fuego block (97-150).

The brutal hits kept increasing in frequency as Cruisin' for a Bruisin' wound down. Ali-Skator later finding out how being on the receiving end of a vicious Reeces Tear Ya to Pieces block feels. Too far out of the pack, Reeces would spend a minute simmering in the sin bin for it, only to return and box Ali out; goading the Misdemeanor into backblocking.

All this while Kemmy Killmister, Muse of Bruise, and Lesbolina Jolie teamed up on a entrapped Blitzkrieg. The team wearing down the surrounded Fort Myers blocker as they simultaneously stifled her teammates' attempts at out-running a Ram 'em Noodle power jam (97-170).

Noodle would race herself into her own share of punishment a couple of jams later. Peppered by a succession of shots courtesy of Heinz and Krystal Death, Ram 'em was then finished off with a Jackscratch Fever/Heinz blindside sandwich. All while Mess U Up Buttercup kept the rest of the Bruise Crew from coming to their jammer's aid.

Too riled up to stop, Jackscratch Fever kept delivering hard hits well into the next jam! This time roughing up Reeces, who was also catching a double dose of damage from Fire & Ice. Fort Myers looking to win by forfeit by eliminating every Bruise Crew jammer (115-184).

All this roughhousing would catch up to them though, as Fire & Ice finally catching a shot she couldn't brush off. Helped off the track, Fire & Ice served as a grim reminder of what can happen as fellow jammer Ali-Skator found herself in the center of a Dr. Break-N-Hurter, Kemmy Killmister, Ram 'em Noodle hitstorm (115-188).

Kitty Danger ending the bout before any permanent damage could be dealt, securing lead jammer on the last jam and calling it (119-200).

After a few moments of intense soul-searching, the MVP Board found the Bruise Crew's Bad Credit and the Misdemeanors' Deathrae responsible for all the defensive carnage on the track. This as Ram 'em Noodle and Heinz picked up honors for their ability to score while avoiding said carnage.

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